Should I stay or go? How to live with 'ambivalence' about the people you love
Feeling like he's the one and, suddenly, he drives you nuts?
Couple working on finances, household budget. Pexels/Ron Lach
702 and CapeTalk’s Aubrey Masango chats to dating coach Leigh-Joy Mansel.
Listen below:
Living with ambivalence in a romantic or platonic relationship means having mixed or contradictory feelings towards your significant other.
You may have doubts or be hesitant, but this does not mean you do not love or feel attracted to them.
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This is normal and could be a sign of mature love as it acknowledges the complex reality of relationships: no one is perfect.
“... the feeling that this person gives me is amazing, and then, when those feelings go away, suddenly, it's not the person?... maybe it's not about them being the right person, but the feelings of ambivalence are what is coming to the fore.”
– Leigh-Joy Mansel, Dating coach
“... maturity is being able to say ‘I really love him as my friend but he really is driving me nuts as my co-parent at the moment’… It’s not just throwing someone out with the bad because there are these two opposing thoughts.”
– Leigh-Joy Mansel, Dating coach
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Mansel recommends acknowledging those two parts of you and giving them a voice.
It can feel confusing but understanding both sides will give you a sense of order.
“Don’t gaslight yourself… journal the one part that loves that person and thinks that that person is amazing… then when you’re in between, or you don’t like them, write it down and see where it comes from.”
– Leigh-Joy Mansel, Dating coach
This understanding will also better equip you to have those tough conversations.
Scroll up to the audio player to listen to the discussion.