[SATIRE] Nene, this is why you dropped out of my Lies 101 course

I’ve come to accept that most of my students, former students and some of my friends who’ve made use of my services - especially politicians, former politicians, ministers, former ministers, former presidents and my bosses - lack two extraordinary qualities: memory and Intelligence.

I’m a pathological lies expert, professor and analyst. I’ve worked with many stupid but powerful men and women in my profession. Being a pathological liar myself, I graduated from the Corruption and Lies Institute of Business Science (Colibuse, that name ring a bell?) in 1978 with a PhD, specialising in How to Never Get Caught and Never Crack Under Pressure. I completed my research work in June 1976 working with the then government as a consultant. Splendid work!

I’m the vice-chancellor and deputy dean at the same time. I still lecture every Friday and Monday. I’ve advised government and I still do politicians, musicians, sports people, actors, and some who are currently occupying high offices. Recently, we’ve been getting a lot of married men to attend our short courses and most of them are doing well.

When the news of Nhlanhla Nene broke last week - that he lied about visiting the Gupta family home - I immediately got on the phone with my office to check if he had been attending his classes regularly. The answer from my secretary was a heart-breaking “NO”. She told me that he was no longer registered with us. Last week I was on an international mission in Cameroon as there were elections there. I told president Paul I’ve an urgent matter to attend to back home, so he released me early to return home.

Most of my students come from the rest of the continent but I’ve taught a sizeable portion of our local politicians, as you know the entry criteria to enter is quite stringent: no matric required. Funnily enough, most of them come from poor family backgrounds. You can think of any great African politician or icon, I won’t mention names here, all of them came to our institution and graduated with distinctions. Most former US presidents, the likes of George UU Bullshit and Bill Clitoris. They all graduated from this institution with flying colours.

So, I felt compelled to write this letter after I noticed a worrying trend of slipups from most of my former students. Former because they never completed their programmes, most of them dropped out. Stupid f*cks. Those who never attend classes regularly soon get caught. We’ve done a whole lot of research on this and the list is long, but we’re not there.

We put you through an intensive Dishonesty Test: if you fail this, then it means you won’t be accepted. In my new book The Lying Bastard I speak about how lying brings you more fame and honour, but equally, requires you to be vigilant and pay attention to what you say in public, how you say it, where you say it, why you say it, is it necessary to go around saying shit that can get you in trouble and whether saying it will bring you any lasting repercussions. All this just so that you can maintain the lie and live happily stressed for the rest of your life; if you’re that lucky to live for long.

And for that to happen, you need more money to pay tuition (bribes). A good memory to remember who you paid and who you should avoid is also very important. Most of the successful politicians you see today, those who never make newspaper headlines, the ones you wonder why their lives are so clean, all of them make use of my services and follow the programme. Jacob was telling me that I should not mention names but who the hell does he think he is? Confidentiality clause my foot.

Anyway, in my vague memory of teaching Nene, he was never there wholeheartedly. I never liked him anyway. He fell off a chair during class presentation and broke our chair. The chair remains in our storeroom even today. He would miss most of his classes or would show up late. He would immediately apologise and explain the whole truth about why he was late and, this to me was a clear sign the man wasn’t gonna make it.

Liars never want to make a scene to avoid being asked stupid questions like “is that your wife?” at a company event. They get there early to avoid the grand entrance attention. Because we’re a business school, we never accept students who are self-funded, but we’ve made an exception of married men because we offer them short courses on weekends. Only rich ones are allowed to enrol fulltime because cheating requires more money and it’s exactly what they have. In one of my bestselling books Cheating Husband Paradise, I speak about reasons why poor men can’t cheat. 8-4 men, with limited salaries and car and house instalments, will never make successful cheaters. Their lives are too intertwined; they get too little time in between to manoeuvre. The most successful cheaters are those with bigger wallets, they have a way to manipulate the process. One of our PhD students always sends his wife and kids away for shopping in Dubai so that he can cheat. How the hell is a broke man gonna do that? He can’t even afford to send them to his parents or family members because he still owes them money. Get the book to get the full story.

In my brief time with Nene, he never read his notes, he came to classes drunk and unprepared. He told the whole truth about why he refused to work with the Guptas and got 18% for his essay and this led to his exclusion from the course after just six months. Nene never made it past first year. He flunked most of his courses. There was something peculiar about him, and the fact that he was too honest annoyed most of his classmates. If my memory serves me well, he was in the same study group with Pravin and Mcebisi, who were far too honest for their own good. I remember telling them about my story on how I got accepted at the institution back after I dropped out of primary high school. I hacked the school systems and put my name on the waiting list and my parents were called the next day that I had been accepted. Since then, I never looked back.

When I first met Jacob, he was so calm but full of energy and dirty tricks and this for me was gold. By the way, he wasn’t so successful in getting accepted in the programme but he lied to the security guards that he was my uncle. They opened the gate for him and escorted him to my office. After hearing how he manipulated his way through, I was so impressed with him I personally offered to take care of his fees. I knew from that day that the man was destined for greater things in this lying and cheating business. We all know the story, but equally, surrounding yourself with jealous friends can be your downfall. I’m told he recently came back and enrolled to finish his Master's.

The other night I was working late so I decided to take a long drive to go see a female friend who’s married to a police officer. She had promised me a nice grilled juicy steak from KFC. Just when I was about to call and tell her I was outside, I noticed a police van outside. I parked my car facing the other direction and pretended I was lost. But because I was curious to find out if he was staying for the night, I jumped out and approached the tired looking officer. He noticed me and quickly asked me why was I parking my car in front of his gate. I pretended I didn’t hear him and kept walking towards the small gate. He asked if I was lost and I happily responded, “No”. I told him that I’m from Limpopo, Newcastle to be exact. He then asked me why was I there so late at night. I then offloaded my frustrations to the officer, who appeared genuinely concerned.

“I’m here to see Nhlanhla. We met earlier today and had a couple of beers but he left with my wallet and house keys. It has the following in it: My money, R2,710, driver’s license, my credit cards, business cards and my smart ID.” I added, “I’m drunk, tired, lost, hungry and I need a place sleep for the night.” I lied further and said he sent me a location to this place. The story gets even better. I heard a car park behind me and I saw two more officers coming out. He then said to me, “Listen, you can stay the night here, my wife is already sleeping in the other room. Please walk in, I’ll explain the rest to her when my shift ends in the morning.” The other officer was so touched he gave me R500 for petrol.

Once you’ve reached this level, you know it comes effortlessly. Nene was never serious about his studies to begin with, so call me names, but I don’t feel sorry for him. He got what he deserves. He still owes us money as he never finished paying his fees.