[SATIRE] Hey JZ: How times change

After months of trying to get hold of my good old friend Jacob Zuma, he's left me with no option but to write this letter to him. I can’t seem to get hold of him or is the Post Office on strike again?

Hey, Jacob my friend. I've just finished taking a shower now and I thought I should check up on you. How have you been buddy? Long time. It’s been weeks since we spoke. I was outside court during your recent appearance but I had to leave early for family reasons; my brother-in-law wanted his car back, so had to leave early. I noticed that you’ve not taken any of my calls, neither have you bothered to return any of my million WhatsApp messages and I can see you've read them all because it shows a blue tick, Jacob. We’ve been through this before and we don’t want to go back there. If you don’t have airtime or enough data, send me a Please CallJakob, I’ll call you.

Like I told you last time, we don’t only have to talk to each other when you need money. And I’ve always been happy to help where I can but you know I have a shitty job. I’m just a journalist and as you know, I have been lobbying you to talk to Vavi about forming a union for journalists but I forgot that you guys don’t speak anymore. I sent him a tsumani of messages but he has not responded. I’m only checking on how you're doing buddy.

You’re my good friend, Jacob. Don’t worry about the money you owe me. Dude, you’ve enough trouble already, so forget about what you owe me. I saw Khulu the other day and asked him to tell you to call me, but till today, Dololo call or text message. Dude, we’re all depressed and partly broke. Well, in your case, you’re flat broke and unemployed, which I understand. Don’t let this kill our friendship man. We’ve been through lots of trouble together. Remember our Polokwane road trip? Those were the days. Vavi says that you took off and left them out in the cold. I laughed so hard because I saw that one coming.

I've got lots of stuff to worry about too; the kids, my job and wife. My ex-wife called my house and my wife picked up the phone. She was mad that I didn’t call to wish her happy birthday. She also took me to court for child support. And I was hoping to see you outside court for some moral support nyana, but nada, no phone call, nothing. Did I tell you that I almost killed myself? Three times. I tried three times and I figured maybe I was doing it wrong. But that’s not important now, and I’m not giving you any ideas here. What matters is that I didn’t go through with it. And it made me think hard about my life and the importance of living. Which brings me to my point Jacob!

Jacob; hee Kunzima cadre. I had a telephonic conversation with Thabo the other day and he was also telling me that he’s bored and he doesn’t get international gigs like before. Monna, the dude is dead broke but I think he’s trying to hide it. He made me pay for our drinks, and I only had latte coffee, a chilly muffin and 400g ribs and dessert. I had to call Lynne to come with a Brown envelope to bail us out, otherwise, we were going to wash dishes, like the time when Pravin refused to bail us out when we were stuck with the Russians.

But that’s not important. Back to my point about T-Man. You know how pedantic Thabo is with his big English. He gave me that typical look of his and I could tell the brother was seeing flames; the look he gave before telling the nation you were stealing their money and that you were friends with that dude, Shabriska or Shaikiri. Anyway, Thabo is weird. He kept going on and on about how expensive it is to buy Cereal these days, especially after you left office. He says it costs him an arm and a leg to drive to the shops. He suspects that his car has a leak somewhere because every time he puts fuel in, it just magically disappears after making only a few trips. I just couldn’t stop asking myself why is he so concerned about the price of Cereal going up. Don’t you guys get freebies nyana, food parcel nyana every month? Mara that’s not my business, I guess?

But back to my point. T-Man was just talking about the good old days. The dude is bored. And then he asked me if I knew your next court date. I was like “ask him dude”. You guys need to sort your sht out and stop making me your middleman. I’ll leave that job to Kgalema and Franck because some things can’t be said, especially now that we’re about to enter September month, Heritage Month. Please note that for 8 days in September I’ll not be available. I’ll be in Dubai. Ace hasn’t returned my messages about my order. And come to think of it, it’s been months now since we got our full orders. I've since placed my order for milk and eggs for kids’ scafting.

And most people have been moaning that ever since you left office, they have seen less job creation. Mosebenzi tells me Atul left with all his money and the worst part is that he took money from the community stokvel to help the dude. I just couldn’t capture the state of his mind. He sounded stressed. Between us, I don’t think the poor guy will Pay Back the Money. He didn’t reply to my text but I left him a voicemail. Oh yes, before I forget, Gwede tells me he’s bored as hell as a minister. He misses the good old days. He rose to fame by just defending you. But Vavi tells me he’s still mad that you bought him mouthwash on his last day as ANC SG. I thought we had agreed on foot powder, not mouthwash Jacob. You nasty.

Des hasn’t paid me back my R1,250 for the two months’ rent he owed to the landlord. Have you seen or heard from him? I asked Malusi for his Home Address but he gave us the wrong address and he was so fast giving us the address. Just so that you must know, I’ve always supported you buddy, no matter what.

And I’ve also noticed that you’ve not attended any of our birthday party celebrations. Dude, we know that you’re going through a lot and it’s not fun being unemployed but please get your sht together because we’re all worried about you, and sulking won’t help. Remember how we used to motivate Thabo when he lost his job? The dude was bitter and completely down, but we were there as his friends. The Terror in his eyes after failing to Cope with all the aftermath of being unemployed was just too much.

And Mbazima tells me Julius was so mad that you didn’t show up at his graduation ceremony. And know, he’s got a point. Both you and Vytjie didn’t show up and we were kinda expecting it. Pravin was there but he left early. We don’t know why. He left with Mcebisi because they came in one car. I guess the guys are still a bit mad that you and Ajay and his brother are now close. Monna, those dudes never wanted us to hang around you anymore.

They want an explanation perhaps. Talk to them.

Last week, we organised a reunion and you had agreed to come but your phone was off when we tried to reach you for directions. You didn’t even call us to alert us that you won’t be coming anymore and you knew I had bought enough gin for the two of us. I only had one glass, don’t know what happened to the rest, but I thought I saw Blade and Jackson sitting next to me. You left me all alone like you did at the Gupta wedding. I was left to settle the bill. You just disappeared into thin air.

I’m cognizant of the times because we’ve both been through too many trials and we've conquered. But I’m not sure about my financial wellbeing. I recently took a temporary job on weekends to earn a smaller commission, so my times are tight and so I doubt I’ll be able to visit you once you’ve relocated to your new home. But someone told me that you might decide to move into an estate. I think that move will do you good. It’s smaller and I think Oscar will be your neighbour. Same street I think. One thing I like about estates is that no one will just show up without permission; some visitors aren’t allowed at certain times. Security is tight and it’s 24/7.

We can’t even tell our wives now that we’re hanging out with you because they say you’re not good news. My wife got mad after finding out I left my daughter at your residence last time. She almost killed me, but I didn’t die. But I don’t care, dude, I know that you’re a great chap. People will see that one day.

Listen, I told my family that you will be coming over this weekend and they’re all ecstatic. The backroom is nicely cleaned for you to use, just tell me how many people will be accompanying you so that we can make arrangements for them. How do you like your Cereal? Do you take it with warm or cold milk? But again, Ace hasn’t delivered by order, his service delivery is so slow. We can just have Black Coffee and listen to some nice house music.