How to #Zexit, a step-by-step guide by Jacob Zuma
Haji Mohamed Dawjee teases that the reason why Zuma’s exit is dragging its feet is because the sitting president is knee deep in compiling a “how to” guide.
Zexit has become a popular term in recent weeks as pressure has been building for Jacob Zuma to step down from his seat as president of the country. When will it happen is the question on everyone’s lips.
According to the Mail & Guardian’s Instagram feed, he will step down “now, now”.
According to the ANC’s secretary general Ace Magashule, the public will know the answer to this question “in due course”.
And according to the Financial Times, the reason Zuma has not resigned yet is because he is “making a last-ditch stand, playing for time and holding out for concessions and assurances, above all that he can avoid prosecution over a string of corruption allegations”.
Well, a leaked document (tongue firmly in cheek) has revealed that the reason why Zuma’s exit is dragging its feet is because the sitting president is, in fact, knee deep in compiling a “how to” guide, which he hopes will be distributed to other countries that have really, really bad presidents who are facing impeachment or just plain downright ousting.
From the ‘files’… A step-by-step guide on how to avoid a #Zexit by President Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma:
Make sure your termination date doesn’t quite exist, like how nobody knows if antibiotics really expire, or whether it’s just a marketing plan by big pharma. Basically, be big pharma. Drug everyone into a state of delusion about your impending doom, but then make sure no one knows when it’s actually going to happen.
Use this time on the presidential shelf wisely. Take long, introspective walks from dinner party to dinner party, engage in the odd meeting every now and then, but always return to your presidential abode to make notes. Craft well thought-out and expertly communicated justifications as to why you need to be able to keep your watches, or your wives, or your… firepool, for example.
Whatever you do, do not seek advice from anyone who is an expert in the field of democracy or good governance. They will only fill your head with common sense, reason and maybe even guilt. You have no room for that. Mark my words.
Set goals. Lots of goals. And let the most important goal be monetary. Ask yourself “how much money do I need to live like a president who doesn’t do anything?”. If you’re not good with numbers, a good way to get an idea is to check your current payslip. If you’re anything like me, you’re already living like a president while doing nothing.
Remind fellow party members, council leaders, the people, the national executive committee and really, whoever else will listen, about how all of this is unfair because you are great. And you are loved. Remind yourself constantly that you are great and you are loved. When you find yourself in a time of deliberation, if you do not tell yourself this, no one else will. And trust me, self-love is needed.
After someone, like let’s say Cyril Ramaphosa, has had private talks with you asking you to step down, send a thank you card and say: no.
When you realise that a lot of your cunning plans have made headlines and as a result you might actually have to #Zexit, well, then… Start to panic.
Communication is key. Take strategic time-outs from your panic attacks to send emails with new lies to all party members about why you should finish your term.
By this step, you may need to adjust your goals. A good way to do this is to maintain a low public profile and let Twitter go mad with memes, GIFs and hashtags.
You’ll know you’ve made it and done everything in your power to promote your “delay my #Zexit” campaign once the media’s headlines start saying stuff like, “Any day now”. Read the headline. Throw your head back. Laugh.
Haji Mohamed Dawjee is a commentator on gender equality, sexuality, culture, race relations and feminism as well as ethics in the South African media environment. Follow her on Twitter.