_Haji Mohamed Dawjee imagines what Kenny Kunene would confess about a recent shooting in Norwood. _

To my loyal fans and VIP members of the Kenny Kunene Kwa-Kwa club,

I have a confession to make. Actually, I have a few. In the words of Usher, these are my confessions.

Every time I was in Waverley, I was working on my re-emergence strategy

Every time the media called I told them I was shot, I was not

Nooo, that’s all just dirt

Ohh, I wasn’t even hurt

I was cruising in my BMW, both hands on the wheel

A watch on each wrist, looking all “blue steel”

I lost my damn mind, it’s gone, so wrong

Acting like I didn’t care about the lies that I told

Thinking about myself, I knew news about me was getting old

I bet you probably believe you got the right story

But a sane man would never do the things I’m about to tell you I’ve done

Brace yourself, it ain’t good

But it would be even worse if you heard this from somebody else

Listen

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

I lost track of my counting and some numbers got in the way

These are my confessions

I organized that hit

But those bullets didn’t touch my car, not even one bit…

If I’m gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

I tried to make Cyril Ramaphosa take the fall

I'm so caught up and now I don’t know what to do

But to give you part two

… of my confessions…

Now this is hardest thing I think I ever had to do

It’s even harder than eating sushi off my boo

Remember those pics I posted with the car

With the holes on the side, well those aren’t holes, in fact I don’t know what they are

The first thing that came to my mind was to lie

Second thing was how do I do this and come off like an innocent guy

The ANC Youth League said I paid those “thugs”

ANCYL is right, I paid them with a 1 litre and a garage pie

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

The ANCYL caught up with me and got in the way

These are my confessions

Man I’m ashamed of that fiction that I made

Takalani Sesame rehearsed it with me and then I got played

If I’m gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

I tried to discredit Cyril and now I have to take the fall

ANCYL threw me shade and I don’t know what to do

I was wearing my sunglasses so I couldn’t see

I guess I have to give you part three

… of my confessions…

Sittin here stuck on stupid, tryna figure Twitter out

When, what, and how did I let this come out of my mouth

These tweeps don’t make it easy

I know I seem sleazy

They’re saying I CTRL-ALT Deleted the bullet holes from my car

That I’m like Neo from the Matrix and I walked away without a scar

These are my confessions

I called the Citizen and ANN7 before the “hit man” deal was through

They said “sure Kenny, we’ll cover you”

I’m a seeker of attention

Put me in detention

And while I’m there I’ll learn to count

King Kenny OUT

These are my confessions…

Haji Mohamed Dawjee is a commentator on gender equality, sexuality, culture, race relations and feminism as well as ethics in the South African media environment.