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[OPINION] X marks the spot: Where will Zuma hide PP report?

Once upon a time, Thuli Madonsela wrote this report. And then it went to Parliament for safe-keeping.

But then, the National Assembly secretary hand delivered it to the Public Protector's office because it was said that Baleke Mbete, Madam Speaker, refused to recognise it in Parliament.

Anyway it's unclear about whether the Assembly secretary was wearing gloves made of kryptonite to handle the volatile package. However, there was some discussion of simply posting it back to Madonsela, but no messenger owls made of metal were available - that is of course the only way post gets delivered in South Africa these days.

This document is travelling about faster than an unnecessary blue-light brigade on the M1 South.

Then… it turned out that Mbete said she did in fact recognise it and it is currently being housed in very safe place in Parliament, ready to be handed over to Busisiwe Mkhwebane - the new Public Protector.

Meanwhile, the public is waiting with breath that is baited for the release of this epic piece of literature - the best thing since the last Harry Potter novel. Except with more wizardry, and horcruxes and Voldemorts.

Mkhwebane is unable to care at this stage, she is too busy being the Hlaudi Motsoeneng of ANN7. All the TVs in the office need to be tuned to that station. No passing beginning. No Generations.

Why are they treating this document like it's the Tablets. Like Moses only chiselled out one copy on a piece of slate? More importantly, where is this document really? Where are they hiding President Jacob Zuma's X? (And by that I don't mean Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma).

Who can say, but let's have a go at five possible hiding places:

  1. Under the mattress: The hiding place of choice for many a Muslim Indian family who want to hold on to their money. The report isn't made of money, but it does have value.

  1. In a copy of the Constitution, the last place Zuma is likely to look.

  1. On a back-road n Malawi. Because Zuma will never drive there.

  1. At any one of the South African universities. We have given up on him making an appearance there, ever.

  1. But really. We all know Thabo Mbeki has it. Revenge is a dish best served cold (shower).

_Haji Mohamed Dawjee is employed by Code For Africa at the head office in Cape Town as programme manager for impactAFRICA - the continent's largest fund for digital-driven data storytelling. She is a regular commentator on gender equality, sexuality, culture, race relations and feminism as well as ethics in the South African media environment. Follow her on Twitter: @sageofabsurd _

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