OPINION: Brangelina, a natural disaster
The "relationship goals" status of these two star-crossed lovers started in the most innocent way. They shared a peach and a glass of water in a post-domestic violence scene of the now classic Hollywood film Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Already dressed in white, it seemed to be a marriage made in infidelity heaven.
But it wasn't, and we chose to ignore the signs.
She an experienced raider of tombs and professional adoption specialist, he an actor committed to never receiving an Academy Award and fulltime New Orleans Hurricane Katrina-aftermath bricklayer; an unlikely pair from the beginning.
The only thing truly holding them together? The fact that they are both record holders of People magazine's most beautiful woman/man in the world award, (the same thing that held our admiration for them together). And then of course, there's the joint passion they hold for the dislike of that Greek actress, Jennifer Aniston - but this is yet to be proven.
As I write this, the man next to me is exhaling his cigarette smoke loudly, reminiscent of the infrasound ocean wave vibrations caused by hurricanes (like Katrina), he can be heard from miles away. It's painful. It is also the sound of the crushing of hearts and hopes on Twitter, caught in the cyclone of celebrity divorce.
Confession: I followed Brad Pitt's career closely. His changing looks, his changing roles. As a teenager I had something called the Brad Bible. And while every other girl my age spent their time drooling over the Backstreet Boys and their matching white suits, I invested a lot of time in trashy magazine-sponsored cutouts of Brad's hairstyle evolution. I memorised the rules of Fight Club as recited by his character in the film of the same name so hard that I could pass an exam on it better than I would a blood test.
Then, a couple of years ago, when the world's citizens split into two opposing sides (Team Jolie and Team Aniston) I was definitely so fringe and chose Team Brad and his abs and how he made eating things in every movie look so sexy. To be fair, I was also Team Angelina because when the Brad Bible was collaged to the max, I started my obsession with Angelina. There were no cutouts though. I had long since rid myself of a pair of scissors, Space Case and Pritt.
When I forage through my memories, one thing truly stands out like a sore thumb is the fact that Angelina loved ex-partner Billy Bob Thornton enough to get a tattoo of his name. Yes, she later had the tattoo removed; still, Brad received no such stamp of approval. Sign? I think so. Or rather, I ink so.
Then, there's the blatant sign that smacked us all in the face, the one we chose to admire instead of analyse because it was laced with philanthropy, the one which shall now be known as: Is it really necessary to have that many children? Are you starting a soccer team?
Renowned contemporary philosopher Homer Simpson once said: Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail. Naturally, we're so subjective in our thinking, that while we condone Homer's views on the consumption of doughnuts, (when we're not banting obviously) we chose to completely overlook his wisdom on child-rearing and bearing (in this case adopting) and the effects it has on matrimony. In Brad and Angelina's case, that's like what now? 13.3 nails? Namely: kids?
And now, the religious who prayed at the feet of this relationship bow their heads at its funeral. Brangelina's children despised by the worshippers and glared at as though they are a gang of cookie-cutter Yoko Onos.
We can focus on the weed-smoking habits of Brad, or the dissatisfaction Angelina had on his views on parenting. We can choose to blame our grief of the expiration of their marriage on the rumoured affair Brad was having with Marion Cotillard, but the truth is, and we know this in our heart of hearts, we all ignored the warning signs. And now we must rebuild.
We must also learn to focus on people who are worthy of actual "relationship goals" status like William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman for example. What? They're not good-looking enough for you? Shameless.
_Haji Mohamed Dawjee is employed by Code For Africa at the head office in Cape Town as programme manager for impactAFRICA - the continent's largest fund for digital-driven data storytelling. She is a regular commentator on gender equality, sexuality, culture, race relations and feminism as well as ethics in the South African media environment. Follow her on Twitter: @sageofabsurd _