Thumb Wars, coming to a voting station near you
"Keep your vote, just give me the money. It's you and the rest of your hand tonight".
Thousands of thumbs across the country could be heard chanting an improvised version of the lyrics to pop star P!nk's song You and Your Hand Tonight in protest against the numerous selfies being posted of them on social media.
This comes after voting booths officially opened today for South Africa's local government elections. The elections take place every five years but this year, the inked thumb posts have statistically reached an all-time high.
The digits have decided to take a stand against the uploaded pics on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapscan because they were not asked permission. Tom the actual Thumb, the group's leader, said that the only way to teach the owners a lesson was to launch a class-action suit for compensation.
"We also cannot deny that the IEC has everything to do with this. Their scheduled Twitter posts have absolutely served as sufficient motivation for this criminal act," he said. The Thumbs are therefore also suing the permanent body.
The chief-whip of what has now become known as the Tormented Thumb Party also said the trend was a slap in the face against what the Thumbs claim is the most important and technically first finger on the human hand.
Scientifically, the thumb contrasts in many ways with the rest of the fingers. It is the only digit that is opposable to the other four, the thumb has two phalanges rather than three, it is the stoutest of the fingers, and is the most mobile.
These evolutionary developments are as old as the Homo habilis - forerunners of Homo sapiens. The thumb is by no means the oldest of the fingers, but it is the most manipulative.
"We're tired of our humans who constantly just take us for granted and disregard us. So we have decided to put our ability to manipulate to good use," said Advocate Thumbs Up, who will be representing the party in court. We are not opposed to being practical about this, she stated.
The Green Thumbs - a rather passive competing party wants nothing to do with the impending action though. Rule of Thumb, leader of the pack, could not be reached for comment but rumour has it, they are declaring a silent thumb war of their own… but only against the other thumbs, of course.
Meanwhile, Twiddle Thumbs, the chain tattoo outlet, has been illegally offering thumbs a five-finger discount on some cuticle ink. It's being said that several of their stores have queues of people lining up outside their doors because those who are unable to vote due to lack of registration are suffering from "I voted, check the ink on my thumb selfie" FOMO.
"The hand has a bigger job to do than just be a shallow poser in a picture," said Tom.
A date for the trial has not been set yet.
In other hand related news, THE FINGER (the third digit) continues to sarcastically salute the DA, EFF, ANC in an effort to tell them to F-off. They believe the political parties have given them absolutely nothing and no one to legitimately vote for.
Shap ek sê.
_Haji Mohamed Dawjee is employed by Code For Africa at the head office in Cape Town as programme manager for impactAFRICA - the continent's largest fund for digital-driven data storytelling. She is a regular commentator on gender equality, sexuality, culture, race relations and feminism as well as ethics in the South African media environment. Follow her on Twitter: @sageofabsurd _