An open letter from Taylor Swift to Kanye West
Eyewitness News columnist Haji Mohamed Dawjee imagines the letter Taylor Swift would write to Kanye West about their most recent public spat.
Imma let you finish, but I just want to say: I'm sorry for the bad blood.
That one time when you hopped on stage and threw shade at me for winning that Grammy by saying that Bey earned it more - well, I would just like to clarify that that was not the reason for the unravelling of all of this. I don't carry baggage. I write songs about bitterness. Just ask Katy Perry. She knows.
Anyway, the real reason that I reacted the way I did is because I am a bit jealous. I am jealous of your relationship with Kim. You know… The queen-bee of Kardashians basically. As you know, there has been quite a bit of press lately about my break-up with Calvin Harris. Granted, I have once again acted passive-aggressively. I have a problem, but my web-therapist who has appropriated Buddhism is helping me through this.
You see, my reaction toward you and your jam was a combination of envy for your relationship and the personal demons I face. I do not know how to be single. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler once pointed this out to me at an awards ceremony. I also do not know how to be great in relationships or break-ups for that matter. So I took it out on you.
In your song Famous, you said that you would still have sex with me. And you called me a b**** (this name calling isn't what really hurt me). What I found truly upsetting is that you have Kim. So why would you hint at having intercourse with me?
Dear Kanye, why must you hurt me this way? Why can't you be my Romeo? Why can't you take me somewhere we can be alone? I've been waiting but you never call. Why?
The one time you did actually call, Kim recorded everything. I know she made this public because of my attack on you. I know I said that I never gave you permission to use those lyrics in your song and say that about me. But actually I did. Truth is, I acted like a spoiled, entitled brat. I thought that's what you found attractive, re: Kim.
During our phone call, I did say that if you included me in the song it would be a compliment. Fact. This cannot be denied because of Kim's Snapchat video proving this very thing. The video of the recorded message also serves as proof that I said: "And you know, if people ask me about it, I think it would be great for me to be like, look, he called me and he told me the line before it came out. Joke's on you guys, we're fine". I was so nice to you Kanye. But it was all fake. I will accept that now we are never, ever, ever getting back together. You were nice to me too. I mean, of course I knew you were trouble when I met you, but I was so glad that you did call though.
I was congenial because I wanted to consummate this obvious love we have for each other. Is it because I am too white? This can't be true. Have you seen my "Shake it off" video? I can twerk Kanye. I really can. Ten points for effort you know? Can't you see that?
Anyway, that's not the point of all of this is it? Because then it would not really be an apology.
Kanye, never mind North-West. I want to spawn your South, your East and everything in between. I want to take you in directions you have never been before. From the moment I met you I thought I could show you incredible things. You looked like my next mistake. I knew love was a game. Why did you not want to play? It's the pain and longing all of this caused that manifested itself in malicious behavior. And now, all I am left with is a blank space. And Kim's Snapchat.
What's worse is, I dragged the rest of the world into it. All the media, all the Facebook posts, all the memes and gifs and tweets. Even Ruby Rose, the Gandhi of Instagram was forced to post something on the platform that called my actions into question: " When I get attacked or hate online, before I let is into my energy… I think the following: Am I a good person", she wrote. No Ruby. Clearly I am not a good person. But your character in Orange is the New Black is addicted to drugs so there's that. I colonized all social media. I can't take full responsibility. It is a habit of my ancestors. Passed down from generation to generation. Again, I refer you to the Shake It Off video.
Confession: Every single song I have every written that refers to clothes and t-shirts and people wearing things and those kinds of references are literally made in every single song - has been a clue for you. A serenade. Laced with the connotations of lust and admiration because I know how much you like fashion. I saw your latest collection on the runway, those potato sack outfits. I have been trying to impress you all along with my knowledge on couture all along. But I should have known that this would never match up to a Kardashian reality show with a spin-off about Kim's actual clothing store … not to mention her very own emoji app.
She's cheer captain, and I am on the bleachers. I know that now.
Kanye, forgive me. I am sorry.
_Haji Mohamed Dawjee is employed by Code For Africa at the head office in Cape Town as programme manager for impactAFRICA - the continent's largest fund for digital-driven data storytelling. She is a regular commentator on gender equality, sexuality, culture, race relations and feminism as well as ethics in the South African media environment. Follow her on Twitter: @sageofabsurd _