[OPINION] Things I wish the iPhone X could do
[This item contains strong language which may offend some people]
In 43 days, you will be able to purchase the $1,000 iPhone X - Apple’s most expensive mobile device to date.
The latest generation of iPhone is an all-glass device and it celebrates the 10th anniversary of Apple’s smartphone with what critics are calling “radical design features and new technology”.
The all-glass device has an end-to-end display screen, covering the entire surface area of the front of the phone, no home button (they gave it a miss to make way for the massive screen), it charges wirelessly and uses facial recognition to unlock. The home screen however, maintains the same user interface as all the other smartphone devices.
Oh, it also has a new breed of emojis called animojis (animated emojis). A feature that will only be available on the X because it requires the use of the phone’s 3D camera. It works kind of like Snapchat. You look at your phone, choose an animoji (these are some of the ones available: panda, monkey, unicorn, robot, dog, pig, cat, dog and pile of poo), the camera then tracks your facial movements and expressions when you prompt it to and if you want, you can make your animoji speak as well. The possibilities are endless - and a bit unnecessary,
For $1,000 though, I don’t feel like Apple really pushed the bar out that much. We don’t have flying cars yet, and if we’re being honest, we don’t really need talking poop to advance as a human race. I wish Apple tried just a bit harder. If you’re going to show off, really show off.
Here are some really useful potential features that I’m sure we could all get behind:
1. An automated hang-up sensor: Automatically cutting off anyone who speaks too loudly on the phone in an office setting, or anywhere in public really.
2. A self-mute recognition system: Someone treating their phone like a boom box from the 90s and loudly playing music without earphones? Or watching a video on cramped public transport at surround-sound degrees of decibel? Apple should cut that crap out. Silence can and should be imposed.
3. Inspiration quote implosion: Why can’t those technicians create something that lets the sender’s phone self-destruct when it sends the millionth inspirational WhatsApp meme to people they barely know?
4. Fake incoming phone calls: The X should definitely have a feature where you can press a button to audibly receive a second fake incoming call when you’re on a call you’re hating. It should also have a sweaty palm recognition capability so that said fake phone call can also be received to get you out of life’s many uncomfortable situations.
5. Doos diss: Loudly instruct its user that he or she is a doos if they are using the phone when driving or being annoying or disrespectful to other drivers (and pedestrians), and anyone or anything on the road ever.
6. Fart production: When iPhones can produce a loud fart noise for an owner checking messages while paying for groceries, thereby holding up the rest of the queue, Apple will get my $1,000 (depending on the exchange rate at the time, of course).
7. Reboot refusal: If you’re in the movies with me and you’re causing me to have an epileptic fit from the unnecessary and constant flashing of your phone light, well, I wish your phone would automatically shut down without the possibility of rebooting. Ever.
Haji Mohamed Dawjee is a commentator on gender equality, sexuality, culture, race relations and feminism as well as ethics in the South African media environment.